Last winter break ever

Hey loyal followers,

It's winter break for the last time in my school career, and I have never been busier in my life. I haven't really been keeping up with the online diaper community since September. I feel somewhat guilty because there were a couple people emailing me about meeting up at the end of the summer who I left hanging. I just wanted to post to let everyone know that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, and that I have every intention of keeping this blog active and meeting up with people as soon as I have a bit of time and sanity to spare.

Diapers have definitely taken a back seat in my life in the last few months, but as you can see from the picture above, I have gotten a few good diapered days in over the break. I'm just about through that box of Bambinos I ordered at the end of August. As soon as I have some spare cash I will probably order more. They are basically everything that I'd hoped, but I was so used to GoodNites before I got them that I had forgotten how much trickier it is to get the tapes on a real diaper just right, especially when they aren't refastenable and tear or lose their stickiness if you don't get the right fit on the first try.

Come to think of it, the only other times I've worn a diaper with non-refastenable tapes were when I was first experimenting with Depends back in 2006 ... and by that I mean the only other times ever. My mom recently reminded me of this when she called me up during a trip to the laundromat.

"Oh, your building doesn't have a washer and dryer?" she said. "I remember those days. I used to have to go to the laundromat every day to wash your diapers. I only used organic cotton on you."

Her reminiscence of diapering me caught me quite off guard. It was the first time in my memory that she had ever spoken about me wearing diapers other than to remind me how quickly I was out of them.

"Well ..." I said, her. "You really went all out."

We both laughed, but me mostly from the irony of her complete ignorance of fact that I was still wearing diapers. The conversation soon turned to other matters, but her mention of how I had worn only cloth diapers set me to wondering, as I occasionally have in the past: why am I so much more interested in disposables?

I guess I was too much too young when I was potty-trained to have any conscious memories of my organic cotton days, and that the easiest explanation for my interest in disposable diapers would be that it arose from seeing my younger siblings diapered. I'll admit that when my second little sister was born and there were disposables in the house for the first time I was very interested in trying one, but as I mentioned in my first post on this blog, my first memories regarding my diapered desires began before that, when I was three or so and my first sister was a baby. She was in cloth diapers too ... and I can remember wanting to try them on. My current theory is that my desire for diapers originated from premature potty-training and intensified over the years as I struggled with imperfect control. These feelings were transferred to a specific desire for disposables when I saw my younger siblings and cousins wearing them them and became jealous, since they were something I could never have but by this time had realized I needed.

All this ruminating on the origins of my diaper fetish has led my train of thought to another somewhat mysterious artifact of memory from that early preschool period in my life, one that I am surprised to realize I have never written about before. It is an odd idea that I had at the time, which, looking back, says a lot about the early development of my fetish. I had this secret list in my head of things that, if you did them, would cause your potty training to be undone and land you back in diapers. Here it is.

---

1: Wet your pants
A logical first step. I was having wetting accidents so often back then, I felt sure I well on my way to being put back to diapers already. It hadn't happened yet though, so I guess I figured there was something else I needed to do before I could give up my "big boy" underwear. In retrospect, if I had just stuck to doing this one as often as possible, I would definitely have ended up in diapers sooner or later. Pooping my pants would probably would have sped up the process. Instead, I was misdirected to the second ritual task.

2: Use the baby potty
The baby potty on which I was trained continued to sit next to the real potty even after I had graduated from it, presumably waiting for the next child in line to be potty trained. I think that my notion of it possessing the power to undo my potty-training must have been tied to its standing as a constant reminder of the fact that I had once used it as a transition from diapers to my present, non-diapered state. In the murky logic of my preschool fancies, it is easy to see how I might have decided that if there was a way back into diapers, it would be the same way I had come-- through the baby potty.

3: Use a diaper

The final task here might seem redundant, but it was tied to another strange idea I had-- the idea that diapers weren't just something you wore when you didn't have control, but something that removed your control when you wore them. I figured that since my parents had granted me the ability to control my bladder and bowels through potty training, they could take it away just as easily by putting me back in diapers. As I imagined it, I would go back to zero control the minute I had a diaper on. My control would return fully as soon as the diaper was removed, but only if I hadn't used it-- once I "activated" the diaper by wetting or messing, it would be too late. If this happened, I would have no ability to control my bladder or bowels, even if I put my "big boy" underwear back on. I would be unable to regain any level of continence until my parents decided I was ready to move back up to the control-giving baby potty and give potty-training a second try.

---

So there you have it: another piece in the puzzle of what makes a Diaper Lover. My next post might not come until as late as May, (that's when I graduate) but it'll be worth the wait: I've been chipping away at first ever piece of diaper fiction for a while now, and by then it will probably be ready to see the light of day.

Until then,

CDB