Last winter break ever

Hey loyal followers,

It's winter break for the last time in my school career, and I have never been busier in my life. I haven't really been keeping up with the online diaper community since September. I feel somewhat guilty because there were a couple people emailing me about meeting up at the end of the summer who I left hanging. I just wanted to post to let everyone know that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, and that I have every intention of keeping this blog active and meeting up with people as soon as I have a bit of time and sanity to spare.

Diapers have definitely taken a back seat in my life in the last few months, but as you can see from the picture above, I have gotten a few good diapered days in over the break. I'm just about through that box of Bambinos I ordered at the end of August. As soon as I have some spare cash I will probably order more. They are basically everything that I'd hoped, but I was so used to GoodNites before I got them that I had forgotten how much trickier it is to get the tapes on a real diaper just right, especially when they aren't refastenable and tear or lose their stickiness if you don't get the right fit on the first try.

Come to think of it, the only other times I've worn a diaper with non-refastenable tapes were when I was first experimenting with Depends back in 2006 ... and by that I mean the only other times ever. My mom recently reminded me of this when she called me up during a trip to the laundromat.

"Oh, your building doesn't have a washer and dryer?" she said. "I remember those days. I used to have to go to the laundromat every day to wash your diapers. I only used organic cotton on you."

Her reminiscence of diapering me caught me quite off guard. It was the first time in my memory that she had ever spoken about me wearing diapers other than to remind me how quickly I was out of them.

"Well ..." I said, her. "You really went all out."

We both laughed, but me mostly from the irony of her complete ignorance of fact that I was still wearing diapers. The conversation soon turned to other matters, but her mention of how I had worn only cloth diapers set me to wondering, as I occasionally have in the past: why am I so much more interested in disposables?

I guess I was too much too young when I was potty-trained to have any conscious memories of my organic cotton days, and that the easiest explanation for my interest in disposable diapers would be that it arose from seeing my younger siblings diapered. I'll admit that when my second little sister was born and there were disposables in the house for the first time I was very interested in trying one, but as I mentioned in my first post on this blog, my first memories regarding my diapered desires began before that, when I was three or so and my first sister was a baby. She was in cloth diapers too ... and I can remember wanting to try them on. My current theory is that my desire for diapers originated from premature potty-training and intensified over the years as I struggled with imperfect control. These feelings were transferred to a specific desire for disposables when I saw my younger siblings and cousins wearing them them and became jealous, since they were something I could never have but by this time had realized I needed.

All this ruminating on the origins of my diaper fetish has led my train of thought to another somewhat mysterious artifact of memory from that early preschool period in my life, one that I am surprised to realize I have never written about before. It is an odd idea that I had at the time, which, looking back, says a lot about the early development of my fetish. I had this secret list in my head of things that, if you did them, would cause your potty training to be undone and land you back in diapers. Here it is.

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1: Wet your pants
A logical first step. I was having wetting accidents so often back then, I felt sure I well on my way to being put back to diapers already. It hadn't happened yet though, so I guess I figured there was something else I needed to do before I could give up my "big boy" underwear. In retrospect, if I had just stuck to doing this one as often as possible, I would definitely have ended up in diapers sooner or later. Pooping my pants would probably would have sped up the process. Instead, I was misdirected to the second ritual task.

2: Use the baby potty
The baby potty on which I was trained continued to sit next to the real potty even after I had graduated from it, presumably waiting for the next child in line to be potty trained. I think that my notion of it possessing the power to undo my potty-training must have been tied to its standing as a constant reminder of the fact that I had once used it as a transition from diapers to my present, non-diapered state. In the murky logic of my preschool fancies, it is easy to see how I might have decided that if there was a way back into diapers, it would be the same way I had come-- through the baby potty.

3: Use a diaper

The final task here might seem redundant, but it was tied to another strange idea I had-- the idea that diapers weren't just something you wore when you didn't have control, but something that removed your control when you wore them. I figured that since my parents had granted me the ability to control my bladder and bowels through potty training, they could take it away just as easily by putting me back in diapers. As I imagined it, I would go back to zero control the minute I had a diaper on. My control would return fully as soon as the diaper was removed, but only if I hadn't used it-- once I "activated" the diaper by wetting or messing, it would be too late. If this happened, I would have no ability to control my bladder or bowels, even if I put my "big boy" underwear back on. I would be unable to regain any level of continence until my parents decided I was ready to move back up to the control-giving baby potty and give potty-training a second try.

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So there you have it: another piece in the puzzle of what makes a Diaper Lover. My next post might not come until as late as May, (that's when I graduate) but it'll be worth the wait: I've been chipping away at first ever piece of diaper fiction for a while now, and by then it will probably be ready to see the light of day.

Until then,

CDB

Let it snow.

Christmas time has kind of sneaked up on me this year, but it's definitely here. We pulled our plastic tree out of the closet this morning, and upon going outside we were greeted by the beginnings of a good, thick snowfall. The first snow of the season, and what a snow it was! It'll be horrendous black slush by tomorrow, but for now New York City is white and beautiful. My sister is visiting for the holiday break, so I've decided to use up the diapers we have on hand to avoid having to hide them from her.

So since the next day or two is going to be a diaper marathon, I wanted to catch up on my online diaper stuff. The person in our building with wi-fi moved out, so these days I have to go to the laundromat to get a signal. Consequently, I haven't been keeping up with the Internet fetish world.

Today though, I felt like celebrating the end of a pretty stressful semester, so I decided that I'd indulge a little. Checking that kind of stuff in public is always a little risky, but I figured it would be okay if I just sat with my back to the wall so no one coming up behind me would wonder what in the world I was doing. It wouldn't be the first time I did something along those lines. Anyway, it's not like it would even matter if some total stranger caught a glimpse of my profile pic on DiaperSpace and got weirded out, but discretion is always the most courteous choice when it comes to fetish stuff.

I have to say though, if I saw somebody checking diaper stuff in public, I would totally approach them and introduce myself as a fellow DL. How awesome would it be to randomly meet someone else from such a small scene at the laundromat?

In any case, my daring little adventure paid off, because there were new chapters on to two of the best ongoing diaper fics on DailyDiapers. Speaking of which, I was thinking that since I will have some time over the holiday break, I might do a series of literary reviews highlighting some of the better written pieces of fetish fiction out there in the diaper world. I mean, most of it is pure garbage, so this will save you guys some time which would otherwise be spent sifting though unreadable/boring/batshit-crazy writing. I might even write one myself; we'll see.

So basically, after copying the stories to word files, I decided to keep surfing. It was at this point that I got a real opportunity to take advantage of my diapers in a situation where having to get to a toilet would have been inconvenient. The restroom at our laundromat is permanently out of order, so if I ever really have to go (which always seems to happen when I'm there) I have to stop what I'm doing and go home relieve myself. Today was a no-toilet day though, so I just let go as soon as I felt the need and completely wet and messed my diaper. Walking home in the snow with a full diaper was awesomely warm.

Now that I'm back at the laundromat to post this, the snow has piled up into huge, knee-deep drifts and it's so thick in the air that you can barely see. It looks like this is going to be a very white Christmas.

End of winter break

So it's the last day of break. I have no idea what my school schedule is going to look like this semester, so I'm going to to have to head down to the councilor's office first thing tomorrow morning. I don't have any Monday classes continuing from last semester, so chances are I'll just spend tomorrow waiting in various offices and sitting on the train, which, for those of you who have never been New Yorkers or college students, amounts to a day split between stress and boredom. That's why I wanted to make sure that today was both fun and stress free: after breakfast I got myself a pack of diapers and returned home to spend the rest of the day curled up in bed with my laptop and a stack comic books.

It's freezing outside and we haven't got heat in our little basement studio, so we've been keeping the oven on. The apartment is tiny, so it works remarkably well. The floor is absolutely freezing though.

It's so good to have diapers again. As soon as I put one on my bladder totally went into relax mode. It used to be that I couldn't let go in a diaper until I got to the point where it was kind of an emergency and it was either use the toilet now or wet myself. It started to get easier as soon as I got used to the feeling of using a diaper, but my bladder still had to be pretty full. Today though, I've been just leaking all day whenever there is even a little bit in my bladder, and so often that there have been times I hardly realize I'm doing it. It made me a little nervous at first, because it really felt like one of those occasional days I used to have when I barely had any control at all. As much as I'd like to be able to wear diapers all the time, it would be pretty disarming to suddenly go back to needing them again. Not to mention expensive. Speaking of which, I've decided to wait on the Bambinos until I can get a case. It'll be something to look forward to.

Although I was a little apprehensive when I realized how easily I was wetting today, it's been kind of therapeutic. As I've said before, those were the days when I wished for diapers the most, and today I have enough diapers to just go in them all day and not use the toilet for anything. That's what I've been doing, too; just getting really comfortable and doing it all in my diaper. Sometimes a messy change or two is totally worth it.

Another bonus about just gradually wetting them instead of waiting until the urge is getting strong is that when I leak, the diaper doesn't. I suppose that as a bedwetting pull-up, this is the way they were meant to be used, absorbing a little at a time instead of in one big accident all at once.

Just for fun, I took a few pictures of myself, underwear model style. It's kind of annoying. I would really like to be able to just show my face if I wasn't going to have to depend on what producers thought of me as a person to make my living. I can just see pictures of me in diapers being discovered and spread around with my full name attached to them as soon I am beginning to gain a little notoriety and some film buff DL recognizes me.

As anyone who has been reading my posts will know, I am pretty fed up with all the impersonal anonymity there is in the diaper community. So, basically I compromised a little and took pictures which people who know me would probably recognize but are ambiguous enough to retain a little mystery. People get pretty uptight about being found out by someone they know through a carelessly posted picture floating around on the Internet, but honestly, that person would have to be surfing a diaper site to find it. Seriously, there is enough about me on here already that it would be a dead giveaway in the unlikely event that any of my family or friends that somehow found their way to this blog.

Anyhow, if you are really curious you can just email me. I'll let you know where to find me on Facebook. In any case, here are my unFacebookable pics.







If Calvin Klein decides to do a line of pull-ups, I think I might have a job.

New Years

Well, Christmas is over. As usual, I spent way too much money. I had been wanting to get myself a case of Bambino Biancos in the New Year once the dust had settled from the holidays, but now I doubt that I can afford it. I'll probably just get a pack of eight.

It would be nice to have a supply on hand so I could wear diapers whenever I felt like it, though. Having them around would be such an incredible stress reliever now that school is about to start again. Perhaps one of my New Year's resolutions can be to save on frivolous expenses so I can make that a reality.

Anyhow, break has a little over a week left and I'd like to have a day in diapers before I go back to school. If I can't get the Bambinos by then, I think I may just go to the Walgreens down the street and get some GoodNites. We shall see ...