Summer 2011

As regular readers have no doubt noticed, I haven't been very active in the online diaper community this summer. I thought that once my thesis finished up I would be less busy ... wrong!

In May I landed an internship in a very busy producer's office, which gave me the opportunity to work on the set of three independent features. In many ways, it was awesome-- I feel like I have learned more in the last few months than I did in my entire 4 years of college. In others, it was horrible-- I was sleeping an average of 4 hours a night and working 12 hour days for less than minimum wage. It made the work I did on my thesis seem like nothing, and the work was pretty menial for films I didn't care about.

Then again, the most important thing I learned was probably that I was capable of working that hard. I also put those got grown-up clothes I blogged about while back to good use, and got very comfortable dressing like an adult professional when I was in the office.

I didn't learn to tie that tie, though. No one else wore one, so I would have been overdressed. I like looking sharp, but really I don't want to be the kind of guy who wears a tie every day.

One really nice thing that has happened this summer is that I've reconnected with a long time reader of this blog named Sara. She emailed me back in August 2010 and we were talking about meeting up, but my thesis film got in the way and we lost track of each other. My girlfriend and I met up with her in the middle of the night at the Sugar Cafe, a little 24 hour diner on East Houston Street.

Sara's also an art school grad, so we have a bit more in common than any of the other DLs I've met in person. Despite the fact that her first email to me said that she had been too shy/embarrassed to contact me for nearly a year since she discovered my blog, she's an adventuresome and impressively inquisitive girl with a habit of jumping into strange jobs and activities on craigslist.

She said she thinks she's always had a diaper fetish, but never acknowledged it to herself until she was a senior in college. For her, diapers are a totally sexual thing and she looses interest in them pretty soon after she has an orgasm. I can definitely identify with that feeling. It sucks to be having a great orgasm and come down from it to realize how stupid you must look as an otherwise normal and attractive twenty-something in a wet diaper. All you can do is change yourself out of it and take a good, thorough shower.

In my case, I think I started very close to those lines, but over time the sharpness of that mental U-turn has abated a bit. When I first started wearing diapers again, I would often wait until I felt the need to go to the bathroom and just put one on instead. I would let the feeling build up until I lost control and had a genuine accident. The feeling was so new to me at the time that for a while I would just ignore that sudden loss of interest and change into a fresh diaper right away, knowing that the urge to use one would come back as soon as I needed to go again.

Part of this habit came from the fact that it was difficult at first to let go unless it was an emergency. Sure, I've always been a pantswetter, but I was so used to keeping control as tight as I could until I was sitting on the toilet. As I got better at wetting my pants as soon as I felt the need to go, I learned that I really liked the feeling of just being able to forget about holding it at all. I learned to delay my orgasm so I could enjoy being diapered longer. I think that has something to do with why my interest in diapers fluctuates less than Sara's.

Speaking of fluctuations, there was an odd period in June when I felt pretty much zero desire to wear diapers. Around this time, our apartment was stricken with bedbugs. As those of you in NYC probably know, those baneful little beasts get EVERYWHERE. You have no idea where they are, and you have to treat everything. Disposable diapers would be a prime hiding place for them, and as a result, we would have had to ask the exterminator to treat them. The incredible awkwardness would have been unbearable. We opted to throw them away. I wondered at that time ... was this it for me and diapers? First this extended lack of desire, and now I was throwing the ones I have left away.

Well, I was without them for more than two months after that, experiencing the occasional twinge, but nothing even close to the urge I used to feel. Then two days ago, my friend jokingly brought up Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who drove from Houston, Texas to Orlando, Florida in diapers. It's dumb that this of all things would bring my desires back, but it did. He humorously suggested that he often thought of her when he was doing something and had to stop for a moment to get up to go to the bathroom. We were hanging out in my kitchen all day, talking philosophy over coffee, and after a bit all of us were getting up to pee pretty frequently. This is exactly the kind of situation where I always want to be in diapers, and realizing that I didn't have any made me want them even more.

Later, as we were hanging out and watching the old X-Men animated series from the '90s, (now on Netflix instant!) I suddenly realized that episode 8, “The Unstoppable Juggernaut,” contained one of the most memorable diaper references of my childhood.

Those readers who are DLs (which must be pretty close to everyone) will know what I'm talking about when I say "memorable references." As a kid, I would always take special interest any time someone in a movie or TV series would mention diapers. Even just commercials for diapers would capture my rapt attention. In this particular episode, Juggernaut teases Jubilee about wearing diapers.

Here's a link to the clip.

I can't even say how many Jubilee fantasies that line spurred for little 10 year old me. At that age, I was having daytime wetting accidents more often than any other time in my life, and I had a drawer full of stained X-Men underwear. I was so sure I was going to be put back in diapers any day. The thought that this cool, spunky superhero girl might have the same issue as me was incredibly exciting. If internet access had been available to me at the time, you can bet that I would have been responsible for some truly ridiculous fanfiction. As I write this, I am actually shocked that google image search does not turn up any images of Jubilee in diapers. Come on, Internet. You are seriously slacking ... what the hell happened to “Rule 34?” (On that note, I invite those artists among you to submit your sexiest diapered-Jubilee fan art. I'll put it up and judge the winner. Go!)

Remembering all this was too much for me. The next day, I went out and got a pack of Depends Maximum Protection. I was wearing them when my girlfriend came home with a friend from work in tow.

I am generally pretty calm about wearing in public, but Depends are loud, I wasn't wearing a belt, and I had the pack sitting in plain sight in the bedroom. I dashed to the bedroom and tossed the pack under the bed just as my girlfriend started giving her friend the grand tour. My behavior probably seemed pretty strange, but I got them hidden in time.

Then I had to get the one I was wearing off. I sat talking with them for a bit, then excused myself to the bathroom. The door is right next to the kitchen table where we were all sitting, and I had to turn the water on so the sound would drown out the crinkling as I changed out of the diaper. Luckily, it was still dry, so clean up was not an issue.

I hid it at the bottom of the trash can, under the liner, then flushed and came out like nothing had happened.

A close call, but the crisis was averted.

Last winter break ever

Hey loyal followers,

It's winter break for the last time in my school career, and I have never been busier in my life. I haven't really been keeping up with the online diaper community since September. I feel somewhat guilty because there were a couple people emailing me about meeting up at the end of the summer who I left hanging. I just wanted to post to let everyone know that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, and that I have every intention of keeping this blog active and meeting up with people as soon as I have a bit of time and sanity to spare.

Diapers have definitely taken a back seat in my life in the last few months, but as you can see from the picture above, I have gotten a few good diapered days in over the break. I'm just about through that box of Bambinos I ordered at the end of August. As soon as I have some spare cash I will probably order more. They are basically everything that I'd hoped, but I was so used to GoodNites before I got them that I had forgotten how much trickier it is to get the tapes on a real diaper just right, especially when they aren't refastenable and tear or lose their stickiness if you don't get the right fit on the first try.

Come to think of it, the only other times I've worn a diaper with non-refastenable tapes were when I was first experimenting with Depends back in 2006 ... and by that I mean the only other times ever. My mom recently reminded me of this when she called me up during a trip to the laundromat.

"Oh, your building doesn't have a washer and dryer?" she said. "I remember those days. I used to have to go to the laundromat every day to wash your diapers. I only used organic cotton on you."

Her reminiscence of diapering me caught me quite off guard. It was the first time in my memory that she had ever spoken about me wearing diapers other than to remind me how quickly I was out of them.

"Well ..." I said, her. "You really went all out."

We both laughed, but me mostly from the irony of her complete ignorance of fact that I was still wearing diapers. The conversation soon turned to other matters, but her mention of how I had worn only cloth diapers set me to wondering, as I occasionally have in the past: why am I so much more interested in disposables?

I guess I was too much too young when I was potty-trained to have any conscious memories of my organic cotton days, and that the easiest explanation for my interest in disposable diapers would be that it arose from seeing my younger siblings diapered. I'll admit that when my second little sister was born and there were disposables in the house for the first time I was very interested in trying one, but as I mentioned in my first post on this blog, my first memories regarding my diapered desires began before that, when I was three or so and my first sister was a baby. She was in cloth diapers too ... and I can remember wanting to try them on. My current theory is that my desire for diapers originated from premature potty-training and intensified over the years as I struggled with imperfect control. These feelings were transferred to a specific desire for disposables when I saw my younger siblings and cousins wearing them them and became jealous, since they were something I could never have but by this time had realized I needed.

All this ruminating on the origins of my diaper fetish has led my train of thought to another somewhat mysterious artifact of memory from that early preschool period in my life, one that I am surprised to realize I have never written about before. It is an odd idea that I had at the time, which, looking back, says a lot about the early development of my fetish. I had this secret list in my head of things that, if you did them, would cause your potty training to be undone and land you back in diapers. Here it is.

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1: Wet your pants
A logical first step. I was having wetting accidents so often back then, I felt sure I well on my way to being put back to diapers already. It hadn't happened yet though, so I guess I figured there was something else I needed to do before I could give up my "big boy" underwear. In retrospect, if I had just stuck to doing this one as often as possible, I would definitely have ended up in diapers sooner or later. Pooping my pants would probably would have sped up the process. Instead, I was misdirected to the second ritual task.

2: Use the baby potty
The baby potty on which I was trained continued to sit next to the real potty even after I had graduated from it, presumably waiting for the next child in line to be potty trained. I think that my notion of it possessing the power to undo my potty-training must have been tied to its standing as a constant reminder of the fact that I had once used it as a transition from diapers to my present, non-diapered state. In the murky logic of my preschool fancies, it is easy to see how I might have decided that if there was a way back into diapers, it would be the same way I had come-- through the baby potty.

3: Use a diaper

The final task here might seem redundant, but it was tied to another strange idea I had-- the idea that diapers weren't just something you wore when you didn't have control, but something that removed your control when you wore them. I figured that since my parents had granted me the ability to control my bladder and bowels through potty training, they could take it away just as easily by putting me back in diapers. As I imagined it, I would go back to zero control the minute I had a diaper on. My control would return fully as soon as the diaper was removed, but only if I hadn't used it-- once I "activated" the diaper by wetting or messing, it would be too late. If this happened, I would have no ability to control my bladder or bowels, even if I put my "big boy" underwear back on. I would be unable to regain any level of continence until my parents decided I was ready to move back up to the control-giving baby potty and give potty-training a second try.

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So there you have it: another piece in the puzzle of what makes a Diaper Lover. My next post might not come until as late as May, (that's when I graduate) but it'll be worth the wait: I've been chipping away at first ever piece of diaper fiction for a while now, and by then it will probably be ready to see the light of day.

Until then,

CDB

Out and About

So much has happened since I last wrote! First of all, I finished my short film for the semester. Absolutely everything that could have gone wrong did, but it got finished. In other school news: I wet my pants in class.

It was in my finance and distribution class. A guy from Severn video had come in to talk about how he discovered this movie called Birdemic: Shock and Terror. It was made by a nutty Korean computer programmer who had trademarked the phrase “Master of the Romantic Thriller” for himself. After becoming obsessed with Alfred Hitchcock, he decided that he wanted to do an environmentally conscious update of The Birds. The birds in the movie were designed by a college student who flaked out at the last minute and didn't finish animating the models. The result is that the avian aggressors just kind of hang in the air and flap their wings mechanically. It is a bizarre thing to see.

After failing to get accepted to Sundance, the director decided to drive to the festival anyway and parade up and down the street in a van covered with fake birds and a loudspeaker rigged to emit eagle screeches. The guy from Severn video investigated, and to his great surprise he found what he described to us as the funniest movie he had ever seen.

He showed us a series of clips. I'm not sure what the funniest movie I've seen is, but Birdemic was enough that maintaining bladder control proved impossible. I held on as much as I could, but I couldn't stop laughing and the clips just kept coming. With each one, I wet myself a little more. Despite my best efforts, my bladder was completely empty in minutes.

Nobody noticed of course. I've had way too much experience hiding this kind of accident, especially at school. I kept seated until we were dismissed, and rushed out of class while everyone else was distracted with packing up their things. Before I left though, the guest speaker announce that Birdemic would be making its New York Premier in a couple of weeks at the IFC Center. As much as I wanted to see it, I knew that I would probably run into my teacher and classmates there. If I had wet this badly just watching a few clips, there was no way I was going to be able to stay dry though the whole movie. If I was going to go, I was going to have to wear a diaper.

It's still a little humiliating every time I realize that there are still times when I do actually need diapers. The embarrassment and lack of control associated with them is definitely one of the things that turns me on, but sometimes I wish my episodes of incontinence had an on/off switch that I could leave off unless I was safely at home and wearing adequate protection.

The freedom of knowing I could go to the movie and laugh as hard as I wanted without having to worry about maintaining control was awesome though. There were so many times when I was younger when I knew for sure that I was going into a situation where I was going to need a diaper and couldn't wear one. I always kind of dreaded watching any comedy with my friends, because I knew that the more I was enjoying the movie, the less chance I was going to have of escaping without an accident. Whenever I was having the best time, that's when I had to worry most about humiliating myself in front of my friends.

This time though, I was going with my girlfriend who understood about my wetting issues and knew that I would need to be diapered. It was so liberating to just accept that I needed protection and to know that I was with someone who wasn't going to make fun of me for it.

It was certainly a good thing that I wore protection. I haven't wet myself so much in a movie since I saw Jim Carrey in The Mask at the age of eight. That's saying something, too; my uncle who took me to that one still tells stories about how I was upside down in my seat with change falling out of my pockets.

I actually wet so much during Birdemic that I leaked. When I stood up, there were two little crescent shaped wet spots under my bottom. I was only wearing a GoodNites Pull-Up though. Next time I'm in a situation like this I'll know to wear something more heavy-duty.

As we were waiting in the subway for the train home, my girlfriend turned to me and asked “Did you use it?”

We had been taking about the movie until then, so I wasn't exactly sure what she meant. “Use what?” I asked.

She replied by reaching around and giving my diapered bottom a squeeze, right where I knew I had leaked. I gave a little “meep” of surprise and blushed.

“Um ... yeah ... I'm totally soaked. I think I leaked a little.”

She hugged me gave a sympathetic little “aww.”

“It's okay,” she whispered into my ear.

“You realize though,” I whispered back, “that you just gave me a diaper check in public?”

Both of us kind of broke down into embarrassed giggles at that point. It was good to know that I was going to get hugged and and laugh with her about it together with her rather than get laughed at or scolded.

That would be the end of the story, but last night I was out eating Japanese food with a friend who used to be a professional dom and phone sex operator. It kind of goes without saying that she is a person who is very understanding about fetish stuff.

She just got out of a bad relationship, so we were talking about relationship stuff. It came up how important mutual respect and open-mindedness are in sex. I had thought about opening up to her about my diaper fetish before, but the subject had always changed or we got interrupted. This time it didn't, and before I knew it, I was telling her all about my history of wetting myself and wanting to wear diapers.

She didn't even bat an eye, and was even interested to know more. She had dealt with some adult baby clients in her phone sex days, but never someone who just liked diapers. Afterward, we met up with my girlfriend and went bowling at 1:30 AM. I won, which never happens, and then we went out for a chocolate malt. It was a good night, and it occurs to me now how really excellent it was when I consider the fact that I was in the company of two friends who both knew all about my most embarrassing secret and still wanted to hang out with me.