Work, potty monsters, and an unusual diaper review.

It's officially winter time again. As I expected, the annoyingly consistent overflow incontinence I was experiencing in September and October has subsided to its normal level, which is to say just a small, unnoticeable leak after I use the bathroom if my bladder isn't fully empty.

Needless to say, it's a pretty big relief not to constantly have a little wet spot on my underwear that I have to worry is going to soak through my pants. In a way, it kind of put me back into the head space of those years when my control was at an all-time low, about 4th through 8th grade: I was always wet, always worried about getting caught, and always wishing that there was some way to just give up on trying to stay dry at all and wear diapers full time. Obviously the leaks I was having weren't even close to the major pantswetting issues I was having back then, but the fact that my recent spell of incontinence also included a bedwetting incident shook my confidence a lot, and it brought up a lot of the same old feelings.

As much as those feelings centered around nervousness, frustration, and wanting to have normal bladder control, they also included a fetishization of the act of loosing control. Shortly after the small, frequent wettings I was having went away, I felt the urge to stage a few deliberate wettings.

I would come home from work and go into the bathroom, but instead of sitting down on the toilet I would just stand in the shower and let go in my pants. The urge came on days when I had been under particularly high pressure at work. By deliberately refusing to be responsible for emptying my bladder in an appropriate and socially acceptable way, I was able to blow off steam from a job full of other responsibilities I didn't want.

You'll recall that the leaks I was having started at work. Well, the diaper I was wearing as I wrote my last post was actually came from work too. No, I wasn't working at a medical supply store or pharmacy. I was working a temp gig at a Halloween store.

Odd, I know. Imagine my surprise when I opened a box labeled "costumes and accessories," and found a pack of adult diapers, which, for all intents and purposes, seemed like off-brand Bambinos. The package was all transparent cellophane, so you could see what was inside. The smell when I cut open the shipping box was exactly the same as when you open a fresh pack of diapers.

Pulling them out, I saw that they were individually wrapped inside so that they could be displayed on a peg. As I tore off the outer packaging and hung them on the wall, all I could think was, "These are costumes. Everything else in this store is fake. There's no way these could be real diapers ... right?"

After a few days of contemplation, I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to buy one to find out. All employee purchases had to be approved. There was no way I could go to my boss and tell him I wanted to buy a diaper. I had to know though ... so I waited for my opportunity and slipped one into my bag when no one was looking.

 Here's what the package looked like:

Pretty astonishing, right? The package just says what it is, like it's no big deal that you are going to buy this with the intention of wearing it in public, presumably with no pants. Most of the people I saw buy this were pre-teen girls who came in with their mothers. What their motivation was for choosing this particular costume and why their mothers allowed it, I  have no idea.

Here's what it looked like unwrapped:

Yep, no doubt about it, this diaper is real and built to be wet. I wonder what percentage of the people who bought this actually decided to use it for its intended purpose? I'll admit that it is a little thinner than I would normally feel comfortable wetting in public, but it stood up to a pretty big wetting without leaks when I used it. One thing about it is that the tapes are not refastenable. If you were wearing one out and about on Halloween without any pants, you wouldn't be able to take it off to use the bathroom ... unless you wanted to go through the rest of the night without even a diaper to cover yourself. What I'm saying is that these are not designed with the needs of costumed revelry in mind.

Here's a final shot of me wearing it:

The fit was good, on me at least, which would indicate that they run a little small. I imagine it was probably pretty big on those girls though. At $4.50 a piece, (plus tax) their moms would have done better to get them some Goodnites a little closer to their size. If they wore even two or three out of the whole pack, it would be a better value. I suppose though, that handing your kid a pack of diapers and telling them "these are yours" would leave plenty of room for them to continue experimenting with them after Halloween, and probably guarantee that even if they didn't have the guts to wet their only diaper in front of their friends on Halloween night, they would have lots of chances to do it at home in a more private setting.

Halloween is an interesting holiday. It gives people a space in which to live out fantasies which would not be acceptable on a normal night. Clearly, there must be enough people out there who fantasize about wearing a diaper to justify the cost of manufacturing these items for sale as costumes. Although I would not be surprised to find that the demographic of people who will walk into a Halloween store and buy one of these had a disproportionate number of people with fetishistic tendencies, I can't imagine that all of them would be Diaper Lovers.

I wonder if the thoughts which go the heads of the non-fetish crowd as they put on their Halloween diaper would be familiar to us DLs? The curiosity; the exploration of how they look in the mirror; the feeling of the thick padding-- so different than normal underwear. Is their feeling of mischievous silliness compromised by a nervous embarrassment? What was it, on a night when they could be anything, wear anything, that made them choose this? Was there some hidden part of their subconscious that playing this role was stroking?

Perhaps we are all fetishists, differing only in our sense of self-awareness. To some extent, everyone's sexuality seems tied to providing something which their subconscious mind has realized is lacking in their life. Even among the fetish community, there is a range of self-awareness. I have spoken to people in the diaper community online who tell me "Hey, I really like your blog," but when I ask them about their own memories and experiences relating to diapers, they tell me that they don't remember anything. This is either an absurd lie or an example of deliberate repression. Perhaps what they mean is that they don't want to remember because it would mean confronting the emotional realities of their life.

On that note, I have two more memories of early childhood that have floated the the surface recently. These are hardly big revelations and I've thought on them from time to time over the years, but I haven't yet had the opportunity post them here.

The first must have been very early, because it is of my mother helping me to use the toilet. After I had finished my bowel movement, my mother pointed at it and said, "Look, aren't you glad that isn't in your pants?"

"Yeah!" I said. I remember that this was a deliberate lie. I was completely unsure of how I felt about it, but because it was a leading question I was afraid to answer otherwise. This is engrained in my memory because there were several early masturbation sessions where I remembered her saying that and imagined what it would have felt like to have gone in my pants instead.

The other memory is of this:

This was a toy that I really wanted when it came out back in 1989. It's hard to explain exactly what the attraction was for me since it didn't explicitly have anything to do with diapers. Perhaps, in making the toilet into a villain to be defeated by my heroic Ghostbusters figures, I saw it as a means to express my desire to fight my potty training in a socially acceptable way. My mother explicitly told me that she wouldn't buy if for me because it would make me afraid to use the toilet. Both this and the previous memory seem to indicate that she felt there was a possibility of my backsliding on potty training-- back into diapers.

Maybe it was because I had a lot of potty accidents even after I was officially out of diapers. Maybe it was some other reason. Perhaps when she was first potty training me, I did do a little back sliding because I wasn't old enough yet.

There is a photograph which I was surprised to see the last time I was visiting my parents. It shows me in a diaper, standing next to my grandfather. It is hard to tell exactly how old I am in the picture, but I am standing on my own and looking not quite three. I can't be younger than two, at any rate, so this picture doesn't really jive with my mom's story of me being fully potty trained by that time. Looking at that image, I grew suspicious that the miraculously early potty training my mother so often talked about was an "on-again, off-again" kind of thing where I wore underwear sometimes and diapers others. That might have created some confusion for me, and a desire to simply stay in diapers rather than going back and forth.

My mother's refusal to allow me to have the toy seemed at the time like it was related to her ban on "potty talk," that is, the tendency most preschoolers have to find ways of incorporating "pee pee" and "poo poo" into any conversation, usually as an attempt to be funny, or sometimes in place of a more adult swear word. I suppose it all ties into my mother stopping me from expressing, either verbally or non-verbally through play, my actual thoughts on using the potty. Instead, she wanted to offer her own affirmative statements for me to agree with, reminding me how glad I was not to be in diapers.

Way back in my first post, I cited how indulging my diaper fetish in my late teens and early twenties led to me overcoming a lot of my "shy bladder" inhibitions, including being able to stand up when I peed. Medically, the condition of not being able to urinate except under certain conditions (when alone, when in your own home, when it is quiet, etc.) is called "paruresis." Urinary retention due to paruresis is often linked to overflow incontinence.

In summary, it seems likely that my mother's overbearing attitude during potty training was what caused me to become self-conscious about my toileting. In my attempts to escape her interference, I might have developed both a shy bladder (necessitating privacy) and a desire to escape the toilet altogether by going back to diapers. My urinary retention, combined with a natural tendency for "giggle incontinence," created a perfect storm of pantswetting commonly referred to as "mixed incontinence".

The years of my heaviest incontinence which I referenced above were also the years surrounding my parents' divorce. This, and the fact that all of my bedwetting after the typical age when it is expected has been during high stress moments, point to psychological factors as another thing contributing to the mix.

At any rate, I would guess that the persistent pattern of wetting accidents that emerged from these causes is what reenforced my preexisting desire to wear diapers to the point where it began to manifest itself as a fetish.

I've covered some of this ground before, but I feel like one of the functions of this blog has become to refine my understanding of what makes this fetish tick. That's it for now though, because my diaper is getting wetter as this article gets longer, and at this point I'm overdue for a change.

Fall 2012

It's been a weird year for my diapered side. In my last post in August 2011, I talked about an ebbing in my desire to be diapered followed by a moment of sudden longing for them. It hasn't been as drastic since then, but the whole diaper thing has definitely fallen on my list of priorities. To a large extent, feel like a lot of the psychological territory which I needed to explore through diapers has been covered, in a large part thanks to the fact that I was able to organize my thoughts on the matter through this blog. My control has been at an all time peak over the past year. I've kept accidents to about one a month, and these have been pretty small leaks that didn't even justify posting about here. Recently though, my control has taken something of a dip.

On September 22, 2012, I wet the bed for the first time since I was 16. I was on a trip, camping at a music festival. I was trying to do some writing while on this vacation, and as excited as I was to be there, I was also under a lot of strain. There had been a lot going on when I left, including issues with our landlord. Whatever the reason, I completely peed my pants. I remember sort of waking up when it was happening, not really sure what was going on, before drifting back to sleep. I woke up later in the night wet and cold, and at first I thought that it was a wet dream, because I had already peed right before bed. It still would have been embarrassing, but it would have made me feel at least slightly more grown up. I got out of the tent to avoid waking my girlfriend and check myself with a flashlight. I was way too wet for it to have just been a nocturnal emission. It surprised me, because every other time I can recall wetting the bed it was a full bladder wetting. This time, I totally could have held it until morning, but for whatever reason I didn't.

I think it has something  to do with stress. Although I do feel like I have a generally weak bladder, I've been noticing that my most recent accidents have coincided with times of unusual emotional extremes. This evening a friend of mine (who has no idea about my wetting or diapered desires) recounted an interesting psychological case that I feel might shed a little light in that direction.

This friend was really into hypnotism for a while, (medical, not stage) and was training to become a professional. During his study, he encountered the story of a case in which a young girl came to a particularly famous hypnotist to solve her severe bedwetting issues.

The girl did not believe she would ever be able to control her body like that. It gave her all kinds of confidence issues, including her ability to do simple tasks like tie her shoes. The hypnotist decided to approach her problem by helping her to master tying her shoes. Once she had done that, he helped her learn a few more skills. Finally, after having conquered a number of the other difficulties in her life, she stopped wetting the bed on her own.

Maybe this whole fetish is just some kind of complex. Maybe my desire is diminishing because I'm working other things out. Maybe my wetting only comes back when I feel like I can't face the other challenges in my life.

On the other hand, I had an incident where I was counting a cash register at work and couldn't leave it to use the bathroom even though I really had to pee. I held it for a long time, but after a little while I started to feel a little leak. Nothing major or visible, just my underwear getting a little damp. I finished the drawer, made it safely to the bathroom, and didn't think too much of it. All weekend though, I've been having little drips. It sucks because my underwear has been pretty much constantly damp and uncomfortable. I doesn't quite justify a diaper, but some of those Depends "Guards For Men" would probably help. Honestly though, incontinence products are so expensive that I feel like it wouldn't be worth it, and as far as fetish stuff goes, the guards have no attraction for me. I feel like the leaks may have something to do with stress at work and difficulty completing personal projects because I am devoting so much time to a job I don't enjoy.

These little leaks will probably disappear on their own, but if they get worse I will probably see a urologist. To be honest, I don't have the desire to be in diapers full time like I used to. It might be liberating to take a vacation from the toilet now and again, but these day I want to be a normal, continent adult. If I ever have kids, I don't want to be hiding my diapers from them. Whatever the reasons may be for my wanting or sometimes needing them, I hope they continue to fade. So much about the politics of sexual identity have come to strike me as excuses. Having lived my whole life with this fetish, I have really come to regard it as something that is not an immutable part of me, but a pattern of behavior I fell into because my life was in some way unsatisfying.

This leads me to a chapter of my hidden fetish life I've never written about before. There was this weird thing in about fourth grade where I developed a smoking fetish for a couple of years. My fantasies were largely focused on the idea of a good girl who secretly started experimenting with cigarettes and became hopelessly addicted to the point where she couldn't hide it any more. The helplessness of addiction was, in my mind, analogous to my helplessness incontinence. I would sometimes fantasize about girls who were completely addicted to cigarettes in addition to being unable to control their bladders. As soon as I hit my early teenage years, the fascination with cigarettes and addiction resolved itself and disappeared. I remember having my fantasy girl quit smoking at the end of one of my fantasies about her, and that was that.

When I was seventeen, my sexuality metamorphosed again. I suddenly developed an intense desire to be forced to wear girls' clothes and have sex with guys. Much to my surprise, this has since gone almost totally away. I still think the idea is pretty hot, and I'm not ashamed to describe myself as open to homosexual experiences, but the desperate desire for it is gone. The furthest I ever went with it was to attend a fetish party in a pair of cute panties from Limited Too with rainbows and hearts on them. I got spanked, and that was it. I still have that underwear sitting at the bottom of my drawer, but I haven't felt the need to wear them since that night.

I think that all of these sexual quirks might have stemmed from unresolved issues regarding humiliation. They probably developed over some early encounter with that feeling. I can't really recall the first time I felt really humiliated, though. Nothing pops out, especially not prior to memories of wanting to wear diapers, which are some of the earliest things I can recall. Maybe it was during my very early potty training, when I was so young that my body wasn't physically capable of living up to my mother's expectations that I would make it to the toilet. Can a child less then two years old feel humiliation? Perhaps in feeling like I'm close to achieving real adulthood, my wetting and fetishistic desires are both going away.

I think that human sexuality is much more mutable than most people give it credit for. Based on my personal experience, I've come to hold the opinion that any person can, at the right moment, fall into any fetish, no matter how strange. It all seems to hinge on the way fetishes tend to fill some void in a person's life, or express something that they feel deep inside but can't quite put into words. Perhaps by putting the strange history of my desires down in writing, I've given outlet to the secret feelings they were expressing.

And yet, here I am wearing a diaper as I write this. The need to go is building, and I'm absolutely going to enjoy using it. I don't feel the need to push myself to give them up, but I feel open to the idea that at some point it might happen by itself. Come to think of it, this is probably what a healthy potty training feels like. An unusual feeling to be having at the age of twenty-six, but at this point I've pretty much stopped caring if I am unusual or not.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to wet myself.

Summer 2011

As regular readers have no doubt noticed, I haven't been very active in the online diaper community this summer. I thought that once my thesis finished up I would be less busy ... wrong!

In May I landed an internship in a very busy producer's office, which gave me the opportunity to work on the set of three independent features. In many ways, it was awesome-- I feel like I have learned more in the last few months than I did in my entire 4 years of college. In others, it was horrible-- I was sleeping an average of 4 hours a night and working 12 hour days for less than minimum wage. It made the work I did on my thesis seem like nothing, and the work was pretty menial for films I didn't care about.

Then again, the most important thing I learned was probably that I was capable of working that hard. I also put those got grown-up clothes I blogged about while back to good use, and got very comfortable dressing like an adult professional when I was in the office.

I didn't learn to tie that tie, though. No one else wore one, so I would have been overdressed. I like looking sharp, but really I don't want to be the kind of guy who wears a tie every day.

One really nice thing that has happened this summer is that I've reconnected with a long time reader of this blog named Sara. She emailed me back in August 2010 and we were talking about meeting up, but my thesis film got in the way and we lost track of each other. My girlfriend and I met up with her in the middle of the night at the Sugar Cafe, a little 24 hour diner on East Houston Street.

Sara's also an art school grad, so we have a bit more in common than any of the other DLs I've met in person. Despite the fact that her first email to me said that she had been too shy/embarrassed to contact me for nearly a year since she discovered my blog, she's an adventuresome and impressively inquisitive girl with a habit of jumping into strange jobs and activities on craigslist.

She said she thinks she's always had a diaper fetish, but never acknowledged it to herself until she was a senior in college. For her, diapers are a totally sexual thing and she looses interest in them pretty soon after she has an orgasm. I can definitely identify with that feeling. It sucks to be having a great orgasm and come down from it to realize how stupid you must look as an otherwise normal and attractive twenty-something in a wet diaper. All you can do is change yourself out of it and take a good, thorough shower.

In my case, I think I started very close to those lines, but over time the sharpness of that mental U-turn has abated a bit. When I first started wearing diapers again, I would often wait until I felt the need to go to the bathroom and just put one on instead. I would let the feeling build up until I lost control and had a genuine accident. The feeling was so new to me at the time that for a while I would just ignore that sudden loss of interest and change into a fresh diaper right away, knowing that the urge to use one would come back as soon as I needed to go again.

Part of this habit came from the fact that it was difficult at first to let go unless it was an emergency. Sure, I've always been a pantswetter, but I was so used to keeping control as tight as I could until I was sitting on the toilet. As I got better at wetting my pants as soon as I felt the need to go, I learned that I really liked the feeling of just being able to forget about holding it at all. I learned to delay my orgasm so I could enjoy being diapered longer. I think that has something to do with why my interest in diapers fluctuates less than Sara's.

Speaking of fluctuations, there was an odd period in June when I felt pretty much zero desire to wear diapers. Around this time, our apartment was stricken with bedbugs. As those of you in NYC probably know, those baneful little beasts get EVERYWHERE. You have no idea where they are, and you have to treat everything. Disposable diapers would be a prime hiding place for them, and as a result, we would have had to ask the exterminator to treat them. The incredible awkwardness would have been unbearable. We opted to throw them away. I wondered at that time ... was this it for me and diapers? First this extended lack of desire, and now I was throwing the ones I have left away.

Well, I was without them for more than two months after that, experiencing the occasional twinge, but nothing even close to the urge I used to feel. Then two days ago, my friend jokingly brought up Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who drove from Houston, Texas to Orlando, Florida in diapers. It's dumb that this of all things would bring my desires back, but it did. He humorously suggested that he often thought of her when he was doing something and had to stop for a moment to get up to go to the bathroom. We were hanging out in my kitchen all day, talking philosophy over coffee, and after a bit all of us were getting up to pee pretty frequently. This is exactly the kind of situation where I always want to be in diapers, and realizing that I didn't have any made me want them even more.

Later, as we were hanging out and watching the old X-Men animated series from the '90s, (now on Netflix instant!) I suddenly realized that episode 8, “The Unstoppable Juggernaut,” contained one of the most memorable diaper references of my childhood.

Those readers who are DLs (which must be pretty close to everyone) will know what I'm talking about when I say "memorable references." As a kid, I would always take special interest any time someone in a movie or TV series would mention diapers. Even just commercials for diapers would capture my rapt attention. In this particular episode, Juggernaut teases Jubilee about wearing diapers.

Here's a link to the clip.

I can't even say how many Jubilee fantasies that line spurred for little 10 year old me. At that age, I was having daytime wetting accidents more often than any other time in my life, and I had a drawer full of stained X-Men underwear. I was so sure I was going to be put back in diapers any day. The thought that this cool, spunky superhero girl might have the same issue as me was incredibly exciting. If internet access had been available to me at the time, you can bet that I would have been responsible for some truly ridiculous fanfiction. As I write this, I am actually shocked that google image search does not turn up any images of Jubilee in diapers. Come on, Internet. You are seriously slacking ... what the hell happened to “Rule 34?” (On that note, I invite those artists among you to submit your sexiest diapered-Jubilee fan art. I'll put it up and judge the winner. Go!)

Remembering all this was too much for me. The next day, I went out and got a pack of Depends Maximum Protection. I was wearing them when my girlfriend came home with a friend from work in tow.

I am generally pretty calm about wearing in public, but Depends are loud, I wasn't wearing a belt, and I had the pack sitting in plain sight in the bedroom. I dashed to the bedroom and tossed the pack under the bed just as my girlfriend started giving her friend the grand tour. My behavior probably seemed pretty strange, but I got them hidden in time.

Then I had to get the one I was wearing off. I sat talking with them for a bit, then excused myself to the bathroom. The door is right next to the kitchen table where we were all sitting, and I had to turn the water on so the sound would drown out the crinkling as I changed out of the diaper. Luckily, it was still dry, so clean up was not an issue.

I hid it at the bottom of the trash can, under the liner, then flushed and came out like nothing had happened.

A close call, but the crisis was averted.

Wow, so thankful to have diapers today!

So last night in class I started having these monstrous stomach cramps. I thought I could wait to use the bathroom until the end of the movie the teacher was screening, but I had to run to the bathroom a couple of times before it was over to keep from messing myself. Luckily I avoided any public potty-disasters, but it was so urgent that I was checking my underwear each time I got to the toilet to make sure I hadn't had an accident on the way.

I thought I was okay once I got home, but I must have just been emptied out ... because after breakfast this morning it got so bad I had to put on a diaper. I've been messing myself a little every time I pass gas, which is like every few minutes. Definitely not my ideal diaper experience, but it beats being stuck in the bathroom for hours on end and not know when it'll be safe to get off the toilet. There are some times I a extremely glad to have a closet full of diapers, and this is definitely one of them.

Diapers in the News

So it seems like every time I open the "Diapers in the News" forum at DailyDiapers, there is another story about how some crazy fetishist has exposed their diapers to children in public, or fooled some unsuspecting person into changing their diapers by pretending to be disabled, or some other equally horrendous crime. As one of the overwhelming majority of people in the diaper community who are completely sane, here is my response.


An excerpt from her interview: "I knew when I looked out my window and saw a litter of kittens trapped at the top of a burning building, I had to do something. I had just put on a fresh diaper, as I often do while responding to 'thank you' notes from the children at the orphanages I operate.

"Now, I know wearing diapers for fun might seem strange to some people, but I love the feeling of just being able to let go whenever I feel the need. Plus, there are just so many letters, and I would hate to give even one of those dear little waifs any less than the attention they deserve, just because I needed to use the bathroom.

"I am usually very discreet when it comes to diapers. I may be an internationally famous supermodel philanthropist and cancer researcher, but I like to keep a low profile. Not that I feel like it is wrong in any way-- I love myself and know that everyone has little quirks. I've told my significant other and a few close friends, but it would just be embarrassing for everyone to know.

"All thoughts of my own reputation went out the window when I saw those kittens, though. I knew there was no time to waste getting dressed: I just grabbed my grappling hook and did what needed to be done."

A few pics

So today was a snow day. I took the opportunity to clean the house and take a few pics. Since Bambino discontinued their small size, I've been using Depends Maximum Protection for the first time in a long time. They're pretty decent for wearing around the house as long as I'm careful about leaks, but I still don't trust them enough to wear when I'm out and about. They'll hold about one good wetting, and a little more if you don't flood them all at once, but I can't imagine relying on them for 24/7 wear. You'd have to change every hour or so!

One thing I do kind of like about them though is how obvious it is when you're wet or messy. Besides the indicator disappearing, the plastic backing is pretty much transparent and lets everybody know what you've done in your diaper. Anyhow, here they are. Enjoy!

Bambino discontinues small size diapers

You are looking at a picture of what is possibly the last small size Bambino diaper in existence. I went to their website yesterday and found that they were out of stock, and when I sent them an email asking when the small size would be back in, this is the email I got:

Thank you for your e-mail. Due to the lack of demand we are no longer manufacturing our size small diaper, we are however working hard to find an alternative for our customers. We have found a product the Molicare Super Plus that we feel best meets our standard for a superior diaper. This product runs a little smaller than our other diapers so please try a sample first. Please see details regarding sizing on our website.
Thank you,
*Bambino Customer Service*

The next smallest size is their medium, which will fit a 32-44 inch waist. It's depressing to think their are enough overweight people out there to justify making an extra large size, but not enough of us skinny DLs to make us a viable market. If you're reading this somewhere out there any you're as dismayed as I am about this, I suggest you send an email to bambinodiapers@gmail.com requesting that they bring back their small size. Then buy a damn case of them-- because without the support of the diaper community, who knows ... they might go under entirely.

Update:

So I did a little research, and it seems that the small size diapers were being phased out as early as June 2010. The following posts are from Bambino forum at DailyDiapers:

28 June 2010 - 10:13 AM
I just noticed Small Classicos are no longer available on the website! Sad Panda! Not all ABDLs are fatasses!

04 October 2010 - 10:02 PM

Hm. Well I E-mailed Bambino and they basically told me that they have no intention whatsoever of making small classicos or teddys again. Lame.
I'm honestly quite a bit put-out by this. It's basically Bambino saying that those of us who are smaller are, frankly, not worth the attention. This is a big mark against them in my eyes and I shall have to consider wearing another product in the future.

08 October 2010 - 01:02 AM
I wouldn't mind paying more if it meant having the variety in small.
There is also an update to this little Saga, however. Bambino sent me a further E-mail, despite saying that they have no intention of having Teddies or Classicos in small, saying they intend to have OTHER new products in small. While I am not holding my breath (of course, history tends to repeat), I am interested.
I still like the company, again, and they still make GREAT products. It just happens that I don't like being ignored.

15 November 2010 - 12:15 AM
Since they just stopped offering Small Biancos too, it seems that those of us who are smaller will just have to go somewhere else. I'm glad the medium/large/xl folks have something great for them still but now there's literally no Bambino product for us Small folks.

So there you have it. I got mine at the end of August, so they were probably among the last of them. Maybe if business picks up for them they will start offering the small size again ... but I wouldn't get my hopes up.

Last winter break ever

Hey loyal followers,

It's winter break for the last time in my school career, and I have never been busier in my life. I haven't really been keeping up with the online diaper community since September. I feel somewhat guilty because there were a couple people emailing me about meeting up at the end of the summer who I left hanging. I just wanted to post to let everyone know that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, and that I have every intention of keeping this blog active and meeting up with people as soon as I have a bit of time and sanity to spare.

Diapers have definitely taken a back seat in my life in the last few months, but as you can see from the picture above, I have gotten a few good diapered days in over the break. I'm just about through that box of Bambinos I ordered at the end of August. As soon as I have some spare cash I will probably order more. They are basically everything that I'd hoped, but I was so used to GoodNites before I got them that I had forgotten how much trickier it is to get the tapes on a real diaper just right, especially when they aren't refastenable and tear or lose their stickiness if you don't get the right fit on the first try.

Come to think of it, the only other times I've worn a diaper with non-refastenable tapes were when I was first experimenting with Depends back in 2006 ... and by that I mean the only other times ever. My mom recently reminded me of this when she called me up during a trip to the laundromat.

"Oh, your building doesn't have a washer and dryer?" she said. "I remember those days. I used to have to go to the laundromat every day to wash your diapers. I only used organic cotton on you."

Her reminiscence of diapering me caught me quite off guard. It was the first time in my memory that she had ever spoken about me wearing diapers other than to remind me how quickly I was out of them.

"Well ..." I said, her. "You really went all out."

We both laughed, but me mostly from the irony of her complete ignorance of fact that I was still wearing diapers. The conversation soon turned to other matters, but her mention of how I had worn only cloth diapers set me to wondering, as I occasionally have in the past: why am I so much more interested in disposables?

I guess I was too much too young when I was potty-trained to have any conscious memories of my organic cotton days, and that the easiest explanation for my interest in disposable diapers would be that it arose from seeing my younger siblings diapered. I'll admit that when my second little sister was born and there were disposables in the house for the first time I was very interested in trying one, but as I mentioned in my first post on this blog, my first memories regarding my diapered desires began before that, when I was three or so and my first sister was a baby. She was in cloth diapers too ... and I can remember wanting to try them on. My current theory is that my desire for diapers originated from premature potty-training and intensified over the years as I struggled with imperfect control. These feelings were transferred to a specific desire for disposables when I saw my younger siblings and cousins wearing them them and became jealous, since they were something I could never have but by this time had realized I needed.

All this ruminating on the origins of my diaper fetish has led my train of thought to another somewhat mysterious artifact of memory from that early preschool period in my life, one that I am surprised to realize I have never written about before. It is an odd idea that I had at the time, which, looking back, says a lot about the early development of my fetish. I had this secret list in my head of things that, if you did them, would cause your potty training to be undone and land you back in diapers. Here it is.

---

1: Wet your pants
A logical first step. I was having wetting accidents so often back then, I felt sure I well on my way to being put back to diapers already. It hadn't happened yet though, so I guess I figured there was something else I needed to do before I could give up my "big boy" underwear. In retrospect, if I had just stuck to doing this one as often as possible, I would definitely have ended up in diapers sooner or later. Pooping my pants would probably would have sped up the process. Instead, I was misdirected to the second ritual task.

2: Use the baby potty
The baby potty on which I was trained continued to sit next to the real potty even after I had graduated from it, presumably waiting for the next child in line to be potty trained. I think that my notion of it possessing the power to undo my potty-training must have been tied to its standing as a constant reminder of the fact that I had once used it as a transition from diapers to my present, non-diapered state. In the murky logic of my preschool fancies, it is easy to see how I might have decided that if there was a way back into diapers, it would be the same way I had come-- through the baby potty.

3: Use a diaper

The final task here might seem redundant, but it was tied to another strange idea I had-- the idea that diapers weren't just something you wore when you didn't have control, but something that removed your control when you wore them. I figured that since my parents had granted me the ability to control my bladder and bowels through potty training, they could take it away just as easily by putting me back in diapers. As I imagined it, I would go back to zero control the minute I had a diaper on. My control would return fully as soon as the diaper was removed, but only if I hadn't used it-- once I "activated" the diaper by wetting or messing, it would be too late. If this happened, I would have no ability to control my bladder or bowels, even if I put my "big boy" underwear back on. I would be unable to regain any level of continence until my parents decided I was ready to move back up to the control-giving baby potty and give potty-training a second try.

---

So there you have it: another piece in the puzzle of what makes a Diaper Lover. My next post might not come until as late as May, (that's when I graduate) but it'll be worth the wait: I've been chipping away at first ever piece of diaper fiction for a while now, and by then it will probably be ready to see the light of day.

Until then,

CDB

New stuff

I've been trying to dress more like a grown up lately. I mean, I'm in school to be a movie producer. How am I going to fly all over the globe to meet with investors if I don't look like someone who can be trusted with a couple million dollars?

I've gotten rid of my sneakers. I now have two pairs of very sharp looking leather shoes, one black one brown. I also have five amazing looking collared shirts and a waistcoat. Nearly everything came from Uniqlo.

Here is the big one though: I bought a tie. I don't know how to tie it yet, but that can come later. With everything on, I look like I stepped off the cover of Vogue. I want to get used to dressing this way during my last year of school so that I can actually feel like it's no big deal when I graduate and dress this way all the time.

Another big change that's taken place since the last time I posted is that my girlfriend and I moved into a huge fucking apartment, which we've been filling with things from Ikea. All of this is due to the fact that I have been working overtime and making more money than I have ever had.

However: my new-found financial freedom has also allowed me to indulge my more immature side more than ever. The absolute highlight of my summer was seeing Walking with Dinosaurs: The Arena Spectacular at Madison Square Garden. My girlfriend and I were screaming along with a stadium full of five-year-olds as each new dinosaur appeared. They were incredible. I was completely freaking out the entire time.

I'm slowly filling the holes in my comic collection too. There is this publisher I can't get enough of called Eclipse. In the mid-eighties, they put out some of the greatest comic series of all time, including Zot!, Airboy, and Mr. Monster. Not only do these books feature better writing and art than nearly any mainstream comics before or since, but they are also printed on better quality paper with a laser scanned color process which reproduces the painterly work of the colorist. The mechanically separated processes which came before and the tacky digital techniques which have been invented since are wholly inferior.

Now, you'd probably imagine that Eclipse comics are really expensive, right? Wrong! They are cheap and they are everywhere. Look in any back issue bin of 80s small press stuff and you will find them for next to nothing. I've got tons of singles, but what I'd really been wanting for forever are the lavish and long out-of-print hardcover editions which Eclipse collected some of these series into. Now I've finally got them! :D

Last of all, I finally ordered myself a 24 pack of Bambino Biancos. For those of you who may not know, Bambino is the Cadillac of diapers ... and they only come in adult sizes. That's because they are the first designer diaper, made for and by diaper lovers. For the adult baby crowd, they offer a couple of options in childish prints, but I will stick to the all-white "bianco" style until they come up with some designs featuring space stuff, superheroes, or dinosaurs.

For a long time, I had been wearing Pull-Ups GoodNites, which are a lot of fun and more absorbent than people generally give them credit for. Unfortunately, the largest GoodNites are designed with pre-teen bedwetters in mind, and as such they are meant to be wet gradually over the course of the night. They are fine for recreational daytime wear, as long as you wet them a little at a time whenever you start to feel the need to go, but they can't really take a full bladder release all at once. You also have to be careful how full you let them get, as they have a tendency to overflow when you sit down.

For all their downsides though, GoodNites are nice because they are cute, trim, and readily available. There are 5-7 million kids in America who wet the bed, and as such, you would be hard pressed to find a drug or grocery store that doesn't stock them. When it comes to adult sizes though, a good diaper is much harder to find. This is pretty weird, considering that about 25 million people nationwide deal with some form of incontinence ... and that doesn't even count the recreational diaper-wearers out there who supplement that market.

In any case, the diapers you can get from your local drugstore which are actually intended for adults aren't much better in the absorbency department than GoodNites. Also, they look stupid as hell. Depends, easily the most recognizable name brand in the field, are notoriously bad, unless you get the "fitted Maximum Protection" version. These still have crappy tapes, but they at least provide sufficient absorbency to do their intended job.

The "fitted Maximum Protection" Depends aren't easy to find though. Most major chain stores seem to prefer to stock the more middle of the road ones, which in my experience are some of the flimsiest diapers ever.

So the question you are probably asking yourself now is, "if so many people in America wear diapers, why the hell aren't there better ones at my local drug store?" Well, as Justin Peters put it in his article for Slate magazine, "Like chocolate, beer, and jewel thieves, the best adult diapers come from Europe. This is not coincidental. European manufacturers don't have to cater to institutional purchasers' demands, so they're more likely to sell on quality rather than cost."

That's right. Because 50% of all people in nursing homes are incontinent, large institutional buyers make up a major part of the sales for products like Depends. The booming medical industry here in the United States knows that people who can't take care of themselves aren't in a position to complain about the inadequacies of cut-rate diapers. Keep in mind that Kimberly-Clark, the company which makes flimsy adult incontinence products like Depends and Poise, is the same one which makes better products like Huggies, Pull-Ups, and GoodNites for kids. This is because parents generally have a stronger interest in their children's well-being than professional caretakers, and are therefore more likely to purchase diapers based on quality rather than cost.

So what if Bambino products suddenly appeared on store shelves across the nation? My guess is that anyone who wears diapers on a regular basis and had a choice in the matter would switch over without a second thought. Think of the comics I mentioned above. If everyone had known about Eclipse when those comics were just coming out, they would still be around and probably be bigger than Marvel is right now.

Another bonus to having a company like Bambino at the head of the diaper industry would be the fact that they are so in touch with the recreational diaper-wearing community. Kimberly-Clark does so much to promote the statistics about how common bladder control problems are. Imagine if Bambino was out there, as visible as them, saying "Yes! It is totally okay to want to wear diapers, whether your bladder control is good or not. You are not alone." I know it would have done a lot to ease my mind as a kid.

As soon as people realize that there are alternatives to the vastly inferior, mass produced garbage that big companies force upon us, the world will be a better place. That's one of the reasons I want to produce movies. We need people out there with good sense and taste, and it's worth applying these attributes to selecting a necktie if it means I will have an opportunity to use them in bringing new films to life with previously unknown creative talent. After all, I can always go home to an apartment filled with toys, games, and other un-grown-up things.

* * *

"Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms.

"Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."

-- C.S. Lewis

Out and About

So much has happened since I last wrote! First of all, I finished my short film for the semester. Absolutely everything that could have gone wrong did, but it got finished. In other school news: I wet my pants in class.

It was in my finance and distribution class. A guy from Severn video had come in to talk about how he discovered this movie called Birdemic: Shock and Terror. It was made by a nutty Korean computer programmer who had trademarked the phrase “Master of the Romantic Thriller” for himself. After becoming obsessed with Alfred Hitchcock, he decided that he wanted to do an environmentally conscious update of The Birds. The birds in the movie were designed by a college student who flaked out at the last minute and didn't finish animating the models. The result is that the avian aggressors just kind of hang in the air and flap their wings mechanically. It is a bizarre thing to see.

After failing to get accepted to Sundance, the director decided to drive to the festival anyway and parade up and down the street in a van covered with fake birds and a loudspeaker rigged to emit eagle screeches. The guy from Severn video investigated, and to his great surprise he found what he described to us as the funniest movie he had ever seen.

He showed us a series of clips. I'm not sure what the funniest movie I've seen is, but Birdemic was enough that maintaining bladder control proved impossible. I held on as much as I could, but I couldn't stop laughing and the clips just kept coming. With each one, I wet myself a little more. Despite my best efforts, my bladder was completely empty in minutes.

Nobody noticed of course. I've had way too much experience hiding this kind of accident, especially at school. I kept seated until we were dismissed, and rushed out of class while everyone else was distracted with packing up their things. Before I left though, the guest speaker announce that Birdemic would be making its New York Premier in a couple of weeks at the IFC Center. As much as I wanted to see it, I knew that I would probably run into my teacher and classmates there. If I had wet this badly just watching a few clips, there was no way I was going to be able to stay dry though the whole movie. If I was going to go, I was going to have to wear a diaper.

It's still a little humiliating every time I realize that there are still times when I do actually need diapers. The embarrassment and lack of control associated with them is definitely one of the things that turns me on, but sometimes I wish my episodes of incontinence had an on/off switch that I could leave off unless I was safely at home and wearing adequate protection.

The freedom of knowing I could go to the movie and laugh as hard as I wanted without having to worry about maintaining control was awesome though. There were so many times when I was younger when I knew for sure that I was going into a situation where I was going to need a diaper and couldn't wear one. I always kind of dreaded watching any comedy with my friends, because I knew that the more I was enjoying the movie, the less chance I was going to have of escaping without an accident. Whenever I was having the best time, that's when I had to worry most about humiliating myself in front of my friends.

This time though, I was going with my girlfriend who understood about my wetting issues and knew that I would need to be diapered. It was so liberating to just accept that I needed protection and to know that I was with someone who wasn't going to make fun of me for it.

It was certainly a good thing that I wore protection. I haven't wet myself so much in a movie since I saw Jim Carrey in The Mask at the age of eight. That's saying something, too; my uncle who took me to that one still tells stories about how I was upside down in my seat with change falling out of my pockets.

I actually wet so much during Birdemic that I leaked. When I stood up, there were two little crescent shaped wet spots under my bottom. I was only wearing a GoodNites Pull-Up though. Next time I'm in a situation like this I'll know to wear something more heavy-duty.

As we were waiting in the subway for the train home, my girlfriend turned to me and asked “Did you use it?”

We had been taking about the movie until then, so I wasn't exactly sure what she meant. “Use what?” I asked.

She replied by reaching around and giving my diapered bottom a squeeze, right where I knew I had leaked. I gave a little “meep” of surprise and blushed.

“Um ... yeah ... I'm totally soaked. I think I leaked a little.”

She hugged me gave a sympathetic little “aww.”

“It's okay,” she whispered into my ear.

“You realize though,” I whispered back, “that you just gave me a diaper check in public?”

Both of us kind of broke down into embarrassed giggles at that point. It was good to know that I was going to get hugged and and laugh with her about it together with her rather than get laughed at or scolded.

That would be the end of the story, but last night I was out eating Japanese food with a friend who used to be a professional dom and phone sex operator. It kind of goes without saying that she is a person who is very understanding about fetish stuff.

She just got out of a bad relationship, so we were talking about relationship stuff. It came up how important mutual respect and open-mindedness are in sex. I had thought about opening up to her about my diaper fetish before, but the subject had always changed or we got interrupted. This time it didn't, and before I knew it, I was telling her all about my history of wetting myself and wanting to wear diapers.

She didn't even bat an eye, and was even interested to know more. She had dealt with some adult baby clients in her phone sex days, but never someone who just liked diapers. Afterward, we met up with my girlfriend and went bowling at 1:30 AM. I won, which never happens, and then we went out for a chocolate malt. It was a good night, and it occurs to me now how really excellent it was when I consider the fact that I was in the company of two friends who both knew all about my most embarrassing secret and still wanted to hang out with me.

Let it snow.

Christmas time has kind of sneaked up on me this year, but it's definitely here. We pulled our plastic tree out of the closet this morning, and upon going outside we were greeted by the beginnings of a good, thick snowfall. The first snow of the season, and what a snow it was! It'll be horrendous black slush by tomorrow, but for now New York City is white and beautiful. My sister is visiting for the holiday break, so I've decided to use up the diapers we have on hand to avoid having to hide them from her.

So since the next day or two is going to be a diaper marathon, I wanted to catch up on my online diaper stuff. The person in our building with wi-fi moved out, so these days I have to go to the laundromat to get a signal. Consequently, I haven't been keeping up with the Internet fetish world.

Today though, I felt like celebrating the end of a pretty stressful semester, so I decided that I'd indulge a little. Checking that kind of stuff in public is always a little risky, but I figured it would be okay if I just sat with my back to the wall so no one coming up behind me would wonder what in the world I was doing. It wouldn't be the first time I did something along those lines. Anyway, it's not like it would even matter if some total stranger caught a glimpse of my profile pic on DiaperSpace and got weirded out, but discretion is always the most courteous choice when it comes to fetish stuff.

I have to say though, if I saw somebody checking diaper stuff in public, I would totally approach them and introduce myself as a fellow DL. How awesome would it be to randomly meet someone else from such a small scene at the laundromat?

In any case, my daring little adventure paid off, because there were new chapters on to two of the best ongoing diaper fics on DailyDiapers. Speaking of which, I was thinking that since I will have some time over the holiday break, I might do a series of literary reviews highlighting some of the better written pieces of fetish fiction out there in the diaper world. I mean, most of it is pure garbage, so this will save you guys some time which would otherwise be spent sifting though unreadable/boring/batshit-crazy writing. I might even write one myself; we'll see.

So basically, after copying the stories to word files, I decided to keep surfing. It was at this point that I got a real opportunity to take advantage of my diapers in a situation where having to get to a toilet would have been inconvenient. The restroom at our laundromat is permanently out of order, so if I ever really have to go (which always seems to happen when I'm there) I have to stop what I'm doing and go home relieve myself. Today was a no-toilet day though, so I just let go as soon as I felt the need and completely wet and messed my diaper. Walking home in the snow with a full diaper was awesomely warm.

Now that I'm back at the laundromat to post this, the snow has piled up into huge, knee-deep drifts and it's so thick in the air that you can barely see. It looks like this is going to be a very white Christmas.

Real wetting accidents

So my girlfriend's birthday was a few days ago. She got David Sedaris' When You Are Engulfed In Flames from her sister. We are both big fans of the author, and whenever his stuff is in the New Yorker we like to read it aloud. She and I decided that it would be fun to spend the day cuddling in bed and do the whole book that way.

It was around the story “In the Waiting Room” that my girlfriend had to stop and use the restroom. We were both laughing so had we were afraid we would wet our pants. She suggested that I should probably go as well, that or put on a diaper.

So ... have you ever noticed that if you laugh really hard you get an erection? Maybe it's just me. Anyway, I couldn't use the toilet pointed up like that, and even though that position generally makes a diaper less effective, we both figured it was better than risking our new sheets. Even though my control has been pretty good since my middle teenage years, it plateaued around that time just short of being complete. There is a certain point when I am laughing where I have always been unable to maintain control. I'm lucky that my girlfriend has come to recognize when I am getting to that point, because during “Town and Country” I completely wet myself. Luckily, I had taken the opportunity during one of the less sidesplitting stories to point myself down for maximum absorbency.

It was pretty embarrassing whenever I have genuine accident like that, because it reminds me that my control still isn't complete and probably won't ever be. Still, it is incredible to just be able to put a diaper on if I need one. When I was younger I used to love Jim Carry movies, but I knew that I would wet myself at least once every time I whenever I watched one. Though funny movies were the worst for it, the same went to a slightly lesser degree for a lot of things, even just visiting friend's houses. If I was going to be there all day, laughing and having a good time, I knew there was a good chance I was setting myself up for a wetting accident. If I had had Pull-Ups on hand for occasions like this, I could have been able to have fun without my enjoyment being compromised by bathroom worries. A friend's mother once remarked to mine that “That boy uses the bathroom more than any other kid I have ever met.” It didn't surprise me either. I was forever running to the toilet in hopes that it would keep me dry. It never really did. In fact, I probably wet my pants more often at that friend's house than anywhere else. My constant vigilance did make sure the inevitable wettings would be smaller though, and that helped to hide them.

Anyhow, my mother responded to this comment by telling her that I had been potty-trained at a very early age. Thinking back, it occurs to me that this answer may have been an even better explanation than my mother realized. The thought has crossed my mind that perhaps something about straining the muscles of my bladder before they were ready may have damaged them or caused a some loss of sensation. Stress incontinence (the kind where you wet when there is stress on the muscles like laughing or sneezing) is most common in children whose muscles are still weak down there. My mother's overeager attitude toward potty-training may have ironically been the reason why I was never totally able to master it.

It's funny, I actually had a pretty bad wetting accident this summer when I was at my mother's house. I was watching this video. Being around all my younger siblings in that old house, trying to hide the fact that I had wet my pants, I felt like I was in elementary school again. I had a tough time getting away to change my pants, but I managed it. I had to sit in wet jeans for over an hour before I got a chance to slip away for a moment. Luckily, we were sitting at the computer when it happened and there was enough going on in the house that no one was really paying attention. At the time, I actually thought for a moment that I might really get caught in front of everyone on this one. That would have been something: outed to my whole family as a pants wetter just a few weeks away from my twenty third birthday. I wonder if my mother would even have been surprised.

Oh, one last note ... that last diaper meet-up was another one where it was just me and one other person. His name was Kevin, and he had just come to the City for an internship at a publishing company. It was another nice, normal meeting-- further backing up the case that there are people out there interested in building a friendly, social, real-life fetish scene.

Further updates on meet-ups in NYC

Alright, so my internet has been out of commission for a month and I've been in and out of town with the new semester of school looming ever closer. In short, I have had no time for diapers even in my own apartment. I hadn't even checked my diaper specific email since like ... the end of July or something.

Anyhow, I just checked it. As it turns out, I missed a meet-up on August 15th. Three people made it out ... but not all at the same time. One got there earlier than the others and had to leave before they arrived. I really should have been there. This is mortifyingly lame.

Anyway, the third time is the charm, and the next meet is going to be the big one. Here is the email I sent out:

Jeez guys, bummer about the meet! Then again, it was still ever-so slightly better attended than last time when it was just me and Nicole. I really should have been there ... I started this group after all. What sucks is that my internet has been out of commission for a month and I've been in and out of town with the new semester of school looming ever closer. In short, I have had no time for diapers even in my own apartment. I hadn't even checked this email since like ... the end of July or something. Anyway, the third time is the charm, and the next meet is going to be the big one.

So I'm making an official announcement! Monday, September 28th at 5 PM, the group will be meeting at Penn Station! I am completely, totally 100% guaranteed to be there if you show up, even if no one else does. No one is going to get stood up because I'm clearing my schedule, which the ageplayers among you may be pleased to note is a very adult looking black moleskine with some very kindergarten looking dinosaur stickers on it.

The crisp autumn weather should be awesome if it doesn't rain, because late September is absolutely my favorite time of year to be in New York City. Even if it rains, we'll go somewhere and get warm drinks, the perfect activity for an autumn afternoon.

I urge anyone who doesn't have anything planned for that day to discreetly mark it as booked in whatever little appointment thing they have. It's like, a month away. We can't all be that busy. We've got enough people on the list now that it should be a pretty surefire bet that two or three people besides me have no plans yet.

Anyhow, I was kind of thinking as I was reading the discussion about identifying each other that there should be an official signifier. I know that this has been talked about before, and that the conclusion is that the whole diaper community isn't going to be able to agree on a universal symbol. So, as the person got this whole email group started, I was thinking that there should be one for our group. I'm going to get a bunch a round, white pins (like circular badges, you know?) made with a letter "D" on them. They will be totally unobtrusive because D is the first letter in a lot of words, and white is the color of a lot of things. We'll know it means diapers though, which means that our little meet up will be able to recognize each other. Anyway, anyone who shows up on September 28th will get one.

Incentive!

:D

I have a good feeling about this one. If you are a diapered, pantswetting, or all-around-kinky teen-through-twenty-something in the area: diapermail@yahoo.com is the place to get involved and help make this a success.

Sex life & stomach issues

So sometimes when my girlfriend is having stomach problems, she likes to wear a diaper for protection. She's had problems before with messing her panties when she is having digestive issues, particularly when she is asleep, so it's a reasonable precaution. Well, the other day she woke up feeling not very well and made a bee-line for the bathroom. She made it, but after a little while she called through the door asking if I could bring her a diaper just in case.

She started feeling much better very quickly, but she still wore diapers all day to be safe. She didn't end up using them, but it was an incredible turn on to watch her walking around in just a diaper and tank top. She caught on, of course, and started bending over and showing off her diapered bottom. At one point she got a phonecall from this guy in the porn industry she is editing a reel for. By then, she was completely naked except for her diaper, talking on the phone about the business end of the adult industry to a guy who would never have suspected what she was doing. It was pretty funny to watch, not to mention totally hot.

We had some incredible sex, and she ended up wearing a diaper to bed, just in case she had an accident in the night.

The next morning, I woke up to a very snuggley diapered girl. We made out for a while and talked a little about ways we might incorporate diapers into our sex life together in the future. She suggested that she might wear a little short skirt that she could flip up every now and then to give me a peek of what she was wearing underneath.

We'll see what happens.

Meeting up in real life

So I mentioned way back in February that I was in the process of organizing an opportunity for some college-aged ABDLS in the New York City area to meet each other discreetly over coffee in real life. Well, it finally happened.

It took some doing. I put some notices out on the New York section of the "Meeting Place" board on Daily Diapers and in the AB/DL's in New York/New Jersey group on DiaperSpace. Slowly, the responses came in. Once I had six volunteers, we started discussing dates. It took a while to reach a consensus, but it seemed like the first Sunday in June would be good for everyone. It took until two days before that date to decide this though, and last minute conflicts were basically guaranteed to crop up. We had enough people though that even if half of them didn't show up it would still be enough for a reasonably-sized meet-up. Anyway, my girlfriend was out of town and I was bored. I emailed everyone my cell phone number and told them to call me when they got to Penn Station. That was our meeting spot, since we had people on the list who were commuting all the way from Connecticut and Jersey.

Well, Sunday, June 7th arrived and I rode the train up to Penn Station. When 3 PM (our scheduled meeting time) arrived, I got a call.

"Hey, this is Nicole, from ... the group."

Awesome. Someone had shown up.

"Hey," I replied, "great, you made it. I'm at 34th street. Where are you?"

"I'm by the K-Mart," she replied.

"Great. I'll meet you there."

I walked down 34th street until I saw the K-Mart sign and called Nicole back.

"Hey," I said. "I'm at the K-Mart. I'm waving."

Coming through the crowd, I spotted a redhead waving back. This was it! My first meeting with another diaper lover. We shook hands and introduced ourselves properly.

"So," she asked, "how long have you been into ... diapers?"

"Um," I said. "Basically since I was little. Since I can remember."

It was such an unusual sensation to just be having a discussion like this in the middle of a crowded street. It's like F. Scott Fitzgerald says though; large parties are the most private, and New York is the biggest party of all.

As it turned out, this wasn't Nicole's first meeting. She had met five or six other people in the area who were into diapers. She explained that she had grown tired of reading the same kinds of posts over and over again on internet message boards and that she hardly even visited them any more except to get in contact with people in the New York area. She had had one bad experience meeting with a guy who turned out to be a total creep who enjoyed sending weird text-messages, but she had had her share of good encounters too.

After about half an hour of standing around in front of K-Mart, we realized that we were probably the only ones coming. We started walking and ended up on the Lower East Side, where we decided to grab a bite to eat.

Over lunchtime conversation, I found out that she had known two other DLs at the small college she attended upstate. One of them she met through a message board and had some play with. He told her there was at least one other DL at their school that he knew of, but he wouldn't divulage the name. Later she found out that the mystery DL was someone she had spent an entire summer working side by side with. Coincidence? I guess so, but my guess is that there are more of us out there than anybody realizes. I told her about DLightning's blog and how he had this symbol that looked like an inconspicuous designer logo that he was making plans to promote. She agreed that it was a good plan. If she or her co-worker had had something like that to identify themselves as a diaper lover, it certainly would have made lunch hour conversation more interesting.

In addition to diaper stuff, we talked about movies, literature, living situations in New York, and all kinds of other things. It was a good experience to be able to just talk about being into diapers as a normal, everyday issue ... because for a lot of people it totally is. We just have to create opportunities like this where we can meet and find out just how normal it is.

In any case, we both agreed that we'd like to do this again to give everyone who didn't make it this time around an opportunity to attend a real life gather of diaper lovers. She suggested it might be fun to do a picnic in central park next time.

As I've said before, any of you teens/twenty-somethings in the area who are interested in participating should shoot me an email at diapermail@yahoo.com ... and if our group isn't near you in NYC, don't be afraid to put yourself out there and start getting together a meet-up in your own town. Remember: use common sense. One on one meetings with internet-strangers in private places are a bad plan, kids. A good meet-up should be held in a public place where everyone is going to be comfortable. Don't get discouraged if responses are slow, and keep gathering those emails until you have a good sized group that is close in age. And remember ... if you do hold a meet-up in your area, we want to hear how it went! Write a blog about it, or at least comment here so everyone in our group can hear about how other people are organizing. Who knows ... if we get enough groups together and keep in touch, DLs sometime down the line might be able to visit each other's groups if they find themselves traveling with some time to kill.

Anything's possible ...

The sad demise of DLTown

So DLTown shut down. It's pretty sad; their vision for the site was a good one. They didn't have giant phonesex ads about poopy diapers, their site was faster than Diaperspace and they didn't have any glaring bugs or a colorscheme that made the board difficult to see. More importantly, their header proclaimed that on this site there would be no "BS nonsense." A diaper site without empty profiles, compulsive liars, and trolls would be nice ... but until DLLightning gets his site up and running, this is still in the realm of fantasy. There are definately some lessons to be learned from DLTown's fate that should be heeded by anyone with a similar vision for a site without BS nonsense. Anyway, here is the letter that was up for a few days after they closed the site down:

Dear friends,

We have decided to close DLTown indefinitely. There are many factors which lead up to this decision. First and foremost, we are going to be expecting a new addition to our family very soon which is going to consume most of our time and we are no longer going to be able to dedicate the effort that is required to run this site. In addition, this site consumes WAY too much money for us to afford financially. With a new house (and a baby on the way) the money we spend on this site each month could be better spent elsewhere. Of course, we GREATLY appreciate all of the help and support that we've received. We've met some really awesome people over the past few months, but at the same time, we've met a lot of negative people as well. As sad as it seems, about ninety five percent of the people in this community are: slime balls, fakes, creeps, stalkers, and quite frankly, we're tired of dealing with them. The added stress is not needed, especially now. These douche bags, destroy the implied trust that a close knit community SHOULD have and we're tired of it. Too many people are backstabbing and judgmental. In the past week, we've already saw negative threads on other forums and communities criticizing and speculating. This venture was never meant to be a source of income. The majority of these individuals are underage, still live at home, and have no financial responsibility. They have no clue what it.s like to maintain a mortgage, make the car payment, pay the insurance, keep up on utilities, put food on the table, and everything else. Get out of your parent.s house, go get a life outside of the internet, work a job, pay all your bills on time, and THEN feel free to judge. Too many self centered individuals exist in this community who take a lot, but give nothing. We owe absolutely nothing to anyone and yet everybody acted like we did. Very few people were ever satisfied. People fought, bickered, and argued about every little thing. Our vision for this site has pretty much been destroyed. After a lot of thought, we have decided that the best option for us is to refrain from the online DL community completely and keep our fetish private and offline. We wish the best of luck to everybody on wherever life takes you. And to our true loyal friends, we.re glad to have been given the chance to meet all of you. We're glad there are some individuals, who truly rise above all the deception and sleaziness that is present in this community. People like you give a glimmer of hope that above all the negativity, there really are good people in this world.

Best regards,
Shannon :(
admin@dltown.com


PS: If anybody wants the dltown.com domain, I'll transfer it to the registrar of your choice for a little bit of nothing.

It's a dirty shame that this community seems to be working to systematically drive out the people who do the most for it. Let's all raise a glass to DLTown's memory and meditate a little on what the constructive members of the community can do in the future to build stronger connections while fighting off the slime balls, fakes, creeps, and stalkers.

Oops ...

So the other day I was wearing girl underwear. I can pass pretty easily; I get mistaken for a girl all the time, even when I'm not consciously in girl mode. I rarely dress in full-on drag, but if I'm wearing underwear it is usually panties. My wardrobe consists mostly of jeans and T-shirts anyway, so it's pretty unisex. If the gender question on my tax forms was a write-in instead of a check box, I'd put "David Bowie."

Most of my panties are pretty demure ... I'm not really into the over-the top sexy ones or anything with tons of frills. Generally, those make me feel a lot more silly than sexy. I'd rather just have something innocent and cute that actually makes me feel like a girl than a tiny piece of lace that does little to contain a rather obvious part of my anatomy.

Anyway, I woke up in girl mode the other day and decided on green and yellow stripes. They're pretty fucking cute. It was a busy day and I sort of forgot I was even wearing them. After the day's classes were done, I went up to one of the studios in the main building to help a classmate with a shoot he was doing. I was the assistant director, which basically meant I was running the show except with regards to telling the actors what kind of performance to give.

The scene we were doing was in a bar set the school has. I was climbing over the counter to get a wire out of the shot when a girl behind me giggled.

"Hey, cute underwear."

I turned around to see the whole crew looking in my direction. I blushed hard. My girlfriend, who is also in the film department, was on set at the time as well, giving me a look of sympathy.

"Are they boxers or briefs or ... do I see a flower?"

I didn't think I was wearing the flower ones today ... the tag must be sticking out.

"Um, well," I replied. "They're girl's underwear actually."

She just shook her head and laughed.

"Wow," she said laughing and shaking her head. "You're awesome. So you and your girlfiend ... do you match?"

"Um," I said. "Not today."

"Are they ... comfortable?"

"Yeah," I said, blushing harder. "They're pretty snug."

A couple of the guys on set looked interested.

"Really?" one said. "I had always kind of wondered."

Essentially it was one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me, especially because I was trying to project an air of authority. I managed to play it pretty well, and keep a reasonable amount of dignity, despite the fact that my whole production class now knows that I wear panties.

Oh well. It totally could have been worse-- I could have been wearing a diaper.

Finally, a day off.

Man ... the whole world is frozen out there. Winter really puts things on hold. I've been away from my usual internet haunts for a couple of weeks now, and apparently so has everyone else. Frigid weather, flu season, and a flatlining economy seem to have draped the whole world in a flat gray blanket of seasonal depression. I've been swamped with writing assignments, movie shoots, and the threat that "spring break" (which in NYC is going to be freezing, snowy, and generally not at all like spring) will interrupt all the work I am doing at school. Since today is my first day off in a while, I decided that it should be a diapered one. No ice-cold toilet seat today, thank you.

I've got a some chocolate chip cookies and an awesome comic book to read too: a thick hardcover collection of "Herbie," which is basically like if Daniel Pinkwater was writing comic books in the 1960s. Today is a day for maximum cuddling and contentment.

No news to report yet about that diapered college kids meet-up. I have a bunch of email addresses and basically just have everyone standing by for a date. We may just have to call it and decided that anyone who hasn't gotten in touch yet isn't interested. I'll probably contact people about a time and place this afternoon.

However! Despite a the recent lull in diaper activity (In my life anyway. Maybe you people have exiting diapered adventures every day.) there is one awesome development I have to announce to anyone who hasn't already heard: Monday morning, Bambino lowered their prices considerably, which is even better when you consider that they just made their diapers twice as absorbent in February. This cinches it ... I am totally springing for a case of Biancos.

BDSM & ABDL

I recently made a long winded comment at iHeartDiapers.com dealing with the subject of seeking a more general kind of acceptance for ABDLs, of the sort that BDSM enjoys. It really was so long as to qualify as a blog post all by itself, so I polished it up at little to stand better on its own and posted it here. Maddie here on blogspot has been talking about a lot of these things for a while, so be sure to visit her blog for more thoughts along these lines. I've hit on a few of these things before too, so if you've heard some this before, just bear with me. There's some good thoughts in here.

Anyhow, someone pointed out that BDSMs comparative kinkiness should, in all logic, make it a harder sell to the general public than ABDL. This is what I had to add:

In the public consciousness, BDSM, which was considered totally unacceptable 60 years ago, has now become what we think of when we think of sex. However, the key difference that holds the ABDL world back from that kind of public recognition is that BDSMers have been building a very open, intelligent, and supportive community since the 1950s. And let’s face it … the majority of people searching the Internet for ABDL material are not interested in the community. They are (for lack of a nice way of putting this) looking for something to jerk off to. They find it and they split. They have no interest in speaking with others intelligently via the web, don’t want to meet in public, and they won’t even risk outing themselves to their significant other. In short, they are closeted even from their own community.

BDSM had people like Betty Page to bring the subculture into the public eye and let everyone know that it wasn’t just gross old guys in dungeons, and that it could be fun, sexy, and tasteful. If some sexy young model or pop star came out publicly as ABDL and did a shoot in playboy or Esquire with Little Girl themes that had even a single diapered picture, you can bet that diapers and ageplay would be the new bondage.

However, there is a major issue in the community which will have to be addressed before ABDL subculture will be ready to “go public” in the way that BDSM has. That issue is the almost inseparable notions of shame and humiliation associated with diapers. We have got to have people out there who are willing to do some careful thinking, to find ways of making the general public ABDL-aware so that people who discover that they are ABDL don’t feel like it’s a good idea to closet themselves so severely they won’t even fill out a profile on a website. That’s going to mean risking shame for a lot of us. The community can’t remain faceless forever.

One person criticized Adrian Surley for endorsing more openness on her blog without showing her own face. This kind of behavior is another sad pitfall of our community; the idea that real participation in the scene means either total privacy or none at all. Certainly, there are plenty of people who, if approached in the right way, would open up as much as they felt comfortable doing. Unfortunately, such approaches are usually not taken. (Again, due in a large part to the fact that being highly closeted has been established as a norm within the community.) Now, I don’t show my (entire) face on my blog, but I come damn close. Close enough to where people who know me would probably recognize me if they somehow found their way to my site. That person would have to be surfing a diaper site to find it though … and that’s not likely unless they are also ABDL. But as I said, this really isn’t about forgoing all privacy, or convincing everyone who wants to mean something to the community to show their face all over the internet. In all honesty, I’m not even sure how much that would help. What the community really needs is someone young, attractive, and loaded with crossmarket-appeal who will be willing to not only show their face to our community, but to the world at large.

Once there are a few brave souls putting themselves into the public eye while laying down the dogma for people who aren’t in the know, (we’re not pedophiles, we play at a range of ages including adult, avoid the binge and purge cycle, etc.) more people are going to start finding their way to the community with a greater willingness to participate constructively. Reaching out to the BDSM community would probably be a good first step, including making a bigger showing at BDSM events with higher ABDL turnout, ageplay/diaper scenes and seminars, things like that. BDSMers are generally more accepting of alternative lifestyle choices than anyone else.

Personally, I try to keep a blog that non-ABDL people won’t be scared off by if they were to come across it. Adrian does a great job of this too; iHeartDiapers.com is probably the first site I would show to someone who had no prior knowledge of the ABDL subculture.

I'm currently in the process of organizing an opportunity for some college-aged ABDLS in the New York City area to meet each other discreetly over coffee in real life. Any of you teens/twenty-somethings in the area who are interested in participating should shoot me an email at diapermail@yahoo.com.

In any case, there are a lot of ways to help the community become more public … people are just going to have to organize and make a business plan before that can happen.